Court Jester Productions is looking for contestants to be on their new reality show, Project Hiring. This show will pit a dozen human resource professionals against one another, eliminating one over the course of each episode to determine who will win the title of Top HR.
Each week, contestants will face a new challenge, these will include:
1) Conducting a sensitivity training session which takes two hours to tell people not to be jerks.
2) Arbitrarily applying some policy written in 1984 to a current situation, without considering the circumstances (the phrases, “That’s the policy” and “We don’t want to start a precedent” have to be used at least once).
3) Creating a canned PowerPoint presentation filled with charts and metrics that make it appear that the HR professional is accomplishing something other than beating his/her high score on Candy Crush.
4) Seeing how many times buzzwords like synergy, gamification and strategic partner can be woven into a one hour meeting that should have only taken ten minutes.
5) Selecting a job candidate using questions such as “If you were an animal, what animal would you be?” and “What’s the color of success?”
6) Firing someone while keeping a straight face, even though you’re smiling on the inside because you never liked that person anyway.
7) Providing psychiatric advice even though your only qualification is having read, I’m OK, You’re OK.
8) Counseling managers on employment law issues, despite the fact that all your legal knowledge comes from watching reruns of Alley McBeal.
9) Telling an employee that a two percent raise isn’t in the budget while ordering a new massage chair for the executive lounge.
10) Conducting a New Employee Orientation in under 15 minutes by saying, “Here’s your desk, here’s your computer, coffee’s over there, get to work.”
11) Seeing how many acronyms such as FSA, FMLA, ADA and COBRA you can throw into a five-minute conversation, oblivious to the fact that no one else knows what you’re talking about.
For the final challenge, the remaining two contestants will have to tell Donald Trump that he isn’t fit to manage the night shift at a convenience store when he’s the only one working, and to do it in such a diplomatic way that not only doesn’t get them fired, but gets them a promotion.
The best news about this new show is they’ve selected me to be one of the judges. I’ll be a mix between Simon Cowell without the accent and Tim Gunn without the fashion sense. They would have chosen me to be a Heidi Klum-like host, but I just don’t have the legs for it.
The winner of Project Hiring will receive a new, high-paying job where he/she never has to deal with another living soul ever again.
In order to ensure that contestants provide the proper entertainment value demanded by cable television, applicants will be required to undergo a thorough mental health examination. Only those who fail this exam will be considered.
Tryouts begin April 1 at the Scranton, OH Holiday Inn and Conference Center.